I'm Baaaaack.

Quarter Finalist in the 2009 Nicholl's Fellowship screenplay competition. Third time in five years. Top 321 out of 6280 entries.

We came. We pitched. We kicked its ass.

Another Austin Film Festival came and went. Much like my sex life, it was over quick and I just wanted to cuddle when it was over. But nevertheless, my 5th festival has thus far turned out to be most fruitful.

My writing partner - Derek May - and I pitched our new romantic comedy CELEBRITY SEED. We blew away the competition in both of our individual competitions, nearly getting a perfect score in one. And then in the Finals, we took 6th. But probably the best 6th place anyone could ever hope for, considering we didn't receive one negative comment from the judges. Even Terry Rossio - who lowballed us in scoring - had nothing but good things to say. My theory is that he felt threatened by a promising writing duo, so he sabotaged us. Anyway, here's our pitch verbatim:

Have you ever sat at home, on a lonely night, comforting yourself in ice cream and Brad Pitt maration and wondered: what would it be like to have Brad's baby?

Well, we have!

And now our fantasy is a reality thanks to the most innovative Sperm Bank to ever hit the market - Celebrity Seed. Boasting a large inventory of donations by your favorite celebrities--

-- from Clay Aiken to Billy Zane--

-- the celebrity you know and trust more than anyone else you've NEVER met is waiting for you!

No one can say they haven't thought about it. Especially Beatrice Yotch. Snowed by one wrong guy after another, Bea's just about given up on men. But that biological clock has no snooze, and hanging out with her sister and kids just isn't cutting it anymore. She needs a family of her own. And when Celebrity Seed comes a-knockin, her boots go a-walkin. That 80's heartthrob she's pined for since puberty might finally be within reach!

But celebrity impregnation isn't just a wham, bam, thank you ma'am sorta deal. There are strict rules, and Cameron Crawford is just the guy to break them. Being of the Celebrity Seed elite, he sees an opportunity for he and Bea to service each other. Bea's open pocket book is just the right size for Cam's growing gambling debts, if he can just keep this little affair between them.

Somewhere between Chinese pap smears and a moon bounce kiss, Bea and Cam grow closer. But is it too late? Once Bea discovers Cam's deceit, she retreats into the nefarious arms of Scott Baio - her chosen celebrity donor. Can Cam overcome such stiff competition before Bea gives in and gives it up? Time's running out, and Bea and Cam must look deep within to find their own truth...

... and maybe true love...

... to give this story a happy ending.

We couldn't have asked for any better results. We had numerous requests for the script. And now we just play the waiting game.

Otherwise, the festival was its usual self. Great parties. A great movie - Slumdog Millionaire. The Red Sox in the playoffs. And plenty of new and interesting people met, along with rekindled friendships. Here's a shout out to some:

Len & Ali, Bears, Michelle from Vancouver, Jill, Samantha from San Antonio, Sadie, Jimmy, Brett, Marian, Monica, Rebecca, Troy, Richard, Vivi, Dom, Scott, Ramesh, the Brothers Langlais, Lee, Agnes, Paul, Andrea, Kate.

And now for ALL OF THE EMAIL addresses I obtained from industry professionals. Use wisely:

:: this portion has been deleted by the moderator ::

Progress Report

Hachooo!

Excuse me while I dust off my blog. Don't come around much anymore as I'm doing what all of you SHOULD be doing. Writing screenplays! As if I had to remind you. Actually, it's been THE YEAR OF REWRITES as I went through 5 of my screenplays and massively overhauled them. The hard work and neglecting this here blog has paid off:

1) My dark comedy screenplay "From Here to Virginity" has been attached to a producer! I queried him off of Virtualpitchfest.com and three months and six drafts later, it's going out. Here's hoping it gets laid!

2) I wrote a TV pilot called "Operation Hottie" and it placed in the Top 25 out of 900 entries for the contest sponsored by FOX and the New York Television Festival. Didn't advance further, but quite an accomplishment for a first draft.

3) Got a phone call from Alex - director of the Austin Film Festival screenplay competition. My children's fantasy/adventure "Dakota Frost and the Reign of the Ice Cream King" is a semi-finalist in the Adult/Family category AND the Science Fiction category. This gives me a significant discount to attend the festival. Even more if it advances to the finals. I also received word that "From Here to Virginity" and my fantasy romance "Ballad of the Tooth Fairy" were second rounders. Not a bad run.

So now I'm gearing up to go to the festival and will be pitching a romantic comedy called "Celebrity Seed" that I wrote with Derek May. Since I placed 4th last year with "Fellatio Felicia and the Cock of Life," I feel better prepared.

Anyhoo, that's it for now. Just remember this, if you're reading what I'm writing, you're not writing what THEY should be reading!

Watering Mr. Cocoa

My short film, directed by Mark Cutforth and produced by 12th Street Films, just won an award at the 2008 Houston Worldfest! Check it out!

WRITER'S STRIKE

Due to the Writer's Strike, I'm only allowed to blog three and a half words plus one punctuation mark. So here it is:

Lactating ? mollusks play didgeri

Fellatio Felicia and the Austin Film Festival

Do not adjust your monitor. It is not raining monkeys. And Hell has not frozen over.

Yes, I am updating my blog. Why? Just got back from the Austin Film Festival and had yet another funkadelic time. In a nutshell, I met some fabulous new writers. Mingled with some of Hollywood’s finest. Caught up with old friends. Pitched a screenplay in a competition. And surprisingly bumped into some of the Scribosphere’s elite bloggers (a shout out later). All in all, my fourth festival turned out to be the most satisfying.

I pitched my latest screenplay “Fellatio Felicia and the Cock of Life.” I advanced to the finals (top 16 out of 90) and then came in fourth place. Disappointed that I didn’t win, but pleased with all of the reactions. TERRY ROSSIO said I should make it a musical. STEVE FABER mentioned something about smoking peyote and getting high. KIRA DAVIS said her company wouldn’t make it (duhhhh). And from the pages of a great SNL skit, GREG CARTER – one of the finalist judges – couldn’t stop laughing to give me his comments. BOB SCHULTZ – exec director of the Great American Pitchfest – and every writer that approached me – said they’d love to see the movie, but general consensus from Hollywood was that there might not be anyone with the balls to make it. Anyway, here’s my pitch, verbatim, for anyone interested:

“I am pitching my ‘Kung Fu Hustle/Shoot Em Up’ action adventure called ‘Fellatio Felicia and the Cock of Life.’

Fellatio Felicia is good at her job. So good that she got 4 out of 5 stars in the Zagat’s Survey on Las Vegas prostitutes. But when her pimp is murdered Felicia’s world suddenly turns upside down. She discovers that he was protecting the Cock of Life – a biblical rooster that holds the key to the contract for mankind; a contract eagerly sought out by Satan himself. And when Felicia finds out that she’s been prophesized to stop him, she scoffs and takes a vacation to Mexico. After all, who would believe a hooker can save the world? And more importantly, does the world even deserve to be saved?

Once in Mexico, Felicia soaks up the sun and eats puffy tacos. But her vacation is short-lived as Satan sends a collection of eclectic bad guys to dispose of her. And when Felicia surprisingly and skillfully defends herself, she’s forced into accepting her destiny. She begins to piece her life’s puzzle together and discovers that she’d been groomed all along to be savior of the human race. But she’s still not a true believer, and because of that, Satan prevails and steals the Cock of Life.

Felicia is almost left for dead. And it’s only hours away from the Apocalypse. But with the help of a precocious little boy named Jesus, who opens her eyes to the true beauty of creation, she finds faith in humanity. In a final epic showdown, Felicia confronts Satan. And true to the prophecy, Felicia kicks his ass.

Experience a high octane action adventure where a zero becomes a hero. A whore becomes more. And the second coming of Jesus takes a backseat to God’s first blowjob.”

Extremely proud that I began a pitch with the word “fellatio” and ended it with the word “blowjob.” Anyways, someone tell Hollywood to grow a pair.

And now a shout out to my fellow Scribosphere peeps and some of the other great people I met (or reconnected with) along the way:

Alison, Marian, Monica, Shawna, Julie, Thomas, Ryan, Ben from New York, Vivi, Signe, Suzie from San Fran, Jesse from Houston, Erik (director of my short), Paul from Dallas (and pitch grand prize winner), Katie, Sheila, Modrea, Don, Lindsey, Richard, Mark, Dennis, Pete, and Mistress of the Sea (who got me the amber instead of the lager).

Until next year, sleep well Austin. Sleep well.

I've Been Tagged (and come out of the darkness)

Leave it to Patrick Rodio to make me update my blog. I know I've been absent from the Scribosphere for a while, but it's been with good reason. After a couple of months working on the as yet untitled Martial Arts script for director Mark Cutforth, I started working with David Brewington, one of the producers of "Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle." He pitched a couple of ideas to me which we started to develop. I wrote a draft of one idea and handed it in. And then...

I suffered a burn out.

I didn't write. I didn't go to my monthly screenwriting meetings. I didn't query anyone. I didn't blog (obviously). I just simply stopped writing. It wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I just needed a break.

And now I'm back. On Friday, I was hired by Pentamedia again to rewrite a romantic comedy of theirs. And I've started querying again, getting a few requests for scripts. Will I be blogging more frequently? Who knows? Maybe. But I do appreciate all those who still stop by to check on me.

And now for the meme Patrick tagged me with: EIGHT THINGS YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT ME.

1) When I'm at home, I like to pee sitting down. That way, I don't run the risk of splashing everywhere. Cuz you never know when a stray piece of lint will block the spout, causing you to miss the bull's eye.

2) I love Spam.

3) A girl once gagged and puked on me while she was performing oral sex. A bitter sweet moment.

4) I have a man-crush on Timothy Olyphant, but only when he plays a bad guy like in "Go" or "The Girl Next Door" or "Live Free or Die Hard."

5) I've never struck a match. NEVER.

6) I was named after President Richard Nixon. Before Watergate. My name would've been "Erika" had I been a girl.

7) I love baseball. Even like watching it. In high school, I once hit a homerun off a college pitcher in a scrimmage. I went to an Oakland A's tryout camp once. Didn't make it.

8) I used a banana, package tape, and a microwave to masturbate once. Read about it in Playboy. It was awesome. And then I fell asleep.

And now... Jessica Biel. (You know that's all you really miss from me.)

FOUR FOR FOUR

Weeeeee are the Champions, my frieeeends....

2007 Starts With A Bang

I know, I know. I don't post nearly as often as I used to. And I thank those peeps that still check me out every once in a while. But it seems that many of the Scribosphere class of 2005 don't update their blogs as well. Hopefully, their excuse is the same as mine:

I'm working. As a writer!

As 2006 came to a close, I was still finishing up a feature martial arts script I was hired to do. First payment received, and now we're still working on the second draft.

And then a Music Video Director hired me to write a short that he pitched as "Stand By Me" meets "Jacob's Ladder." I wrote it. He bought it.

And now in 2007, I was just rehired by Pentamedia to write a feature psycho thriller. If anyone remembers, Pentamedia hired me in late 2005 to write a feature animation script, which I wrote, got paid, and now it's in pre-production. They pitched the psycho thriller to me first, to see if I'd be interested. They said they wanted it nonlinear. I said, "Wait, hold up. You're actually GIVING ME PERMISSION to be nonlinear?! Heck yes, I'll write it!" So far, I'm half way done. Or am I?

Here's an update on my other projects sold in 2006:

"Grandma's Typewriter" (short) - in casting stages.

"Watering Mr. Cocoa" (short) - in funding stages.

"My Lucky Rabbit's Foot" (short) - in funding stages.

"69" (short) - just sold in December, possible feature spinoff.

All 7 of these projects, by the way, linked to the glorious folks at InkTip.com.

Anyway, the blog lives and for old time's sake, here's a little Scarlett. A first timer on this blog:

To Grease 2 or Not to Grease 2

Just watched Brian Herzlinger's "My Date with Drew" and he believes there are only two types of people in this world: those who love "Grease 2" and those who don't.

I believe that. And I believe your answer will help explain where you are in life and what kinds of things you like to write.

So how about it?

Do YOU know every word to "Cool Rider?"